“All I can say, I shouldn’t say. Can we take a ride? Get out of this place while we still have time.”
These words pretty much sum up my feelings those first couple years with Anthony, and especially how I felt that New Years Eve. I had so much I wanted to say, and felt like I couldn’t. Most days I spent wanting to run, but never really having the nerve to do it. I was so afraid of being a disappointment that I wouldn’t possibly admit, even to myself, that I could have made a mistake- Especially not a mistake as large as marrying the wrong person. Divorce was not something looked well upon by my family. But I was married to someone who wanted to spend more time away from me than with me. It was just another control mechanism for him. Looking back now, I’m not sure he wasn’t a narcissistic sociopath.
And then came the blow that he didn’t want to be with me AT ALL. I drank so much that night that I blacked out on the way home. I don’t think “shattered” even explains my feelings that night. He managed to smooth things over somehow the next morning, but now the thought was planted in my head that he didn’t want to be with me, and it made me question everything. It wasn’t long past this point that I finally got the nerve to leave one night, and left to stay with my parents. He had no idea where I was, and I refused to answer the phone. I spent all night trying to convince them how awful things were and that it warranted me leaving him. I had been working for him and his business, and had to have some way to get on my feet alone again. So if they wouldn’t let me stay with them, I had no way to leave. At the end of the night they ended up telling me I had no biblical reason to leave him and I felt I had no other choice, so I went back home.
It was through the next year as my dad was taking a course for the army that he realized I was being emotionally and psychologically controlled and abused. But at that point, there was not much they could do about it. He had once again gotten into my head and had me feeling like I couldn’t do anything without him, despite the fact that I had supported myself for a year before he came along. I spent so many days feeling suppressed and unheard, but when I brought it up, it was always made to look like it was all in my head. That’s the nature of a controlling person. They completely control and manipulate you, and then convince you it’s your fault they’re doing it.
Out of all the bad that year, one for the good was that one of my good friends got married to one of the guys on his motorcycle group. I was a bridesmaid, and was put walking down the aisle with another guy from the group who was very quiet. His name was Kevin, and we barely spoke a word to each other the entire night. He thought I was a snob because of how Anthony treated him, and he just didn’t even bother with married women. I never imagined what the future would hold for us.
That year with Anthony was rocky, and yet, by the end of the year he was saying we should try to start having kids. His logic was that all of our friends were having kids and we wanted them to all grow up together. Somewhere deep down, I knew it wasn’t a good idea yet. But it’s not like I could say no...I never really got to say no. And if I tried, he made it happen anyway. So we started trying, and by January 18, 2008 I was pregnant with my first baby.